Articles

Compulsive Gardening Disorder

With thanks to Alex Pankhurst, an HPS member for over 30 years, who gardens in Essex

A Hardy Planter suffers from Compulsive Gardening Disorder (CGD). Symptoms are likely to present themselves in adulthood but may be traceable back to childhood, especially if one or both parents are affected. There is often a family history of this condition. The symptoms include (score one point for each):

Erosion of willpower. Resolutions such as 'I'm not buying any more plants' can be discounted. Sufferers will often ask friends to bring back plant purchases made on joint visits in order to hide their relapse from husband or wife. No one is fooled.
Dislike of a large lawn. These cause a serious itch in the fingers which improves when the grass area has been reduced in favour of more flowerbeds. Indeed with age, sufferers find comfort can be achieved by doing away with grass altogether.
Self-deception. Sufferers will deny their obsession, maintaining (and possibly believing) that they are merely indulging in a hobby.
Inability to pass a nursery with the word 'unusual' in its blandishments. Or any kind of plant sale.
Unwillingness to go away for any length of time. This can be particularly tiresome for partners to come to terms with.
An unattrative antipathy to certain wildlife such as moles, voles, rabbits and deer. And families learn not to mention the word 'slugs'.
Loss of space-estimating skills, leading to repeated pacing of the garden, pot in hand,despairingly seeking a site for a new plant they've just grown eight of.
Anxiety attacks caused by prolonged periods of wet, drought or cold.
Selective memory Loss. The ability to have Latin names such as Ophiopogon planiscapus 'Nigrescens' tripping off the tongue when they cannot remember where they left the car keys.
Obstinate attachment to shabby and shapeless garments. Families learn that giving presents of smarter, more fashionable clothes to be worn while gardening is doomed to failure. Those afflicted by CGD sem not to care how they appear to others.
Pleasure in the company of fellow sufferers on the grounds that 'they understand'. Unlike alcoholics, who can turn their lives round once they admit they're in the grip of the condition, there seems no desire for a cure from CGD. It's best to allow sufferers to join the Hardy Plant Society where they will benefit from the company of those similarly afflicted.

How many points did you score? If more than three, then you should consider joining the Hardy Plant Society, for the opportunity to meet fellow-sufferers (or hardy-plant enthusiasts as we prefer to be called).